“Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?”

“No, not a soul, actually.”

“Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!”

Women go on a diet on three occasions:

- When they break up with a guy;

- When they meet a new guy;

- On Mondays.

You’ll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! Everybody!

"How much is the capuccino?"

"It's $5,50 sir."

"And the sugar?"

"The sugar is free."

"Ok, I'll take 2kg of sugar."

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.

I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?

My girlfriend told me to take the spider outside instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. The cool guy wants to be web designer.

A child’s observation: If a mother laughs at dad’s jokes, we have guests.

You can train a cat to do anything the cat wants to do at the moment it wants to do it.

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you are donating blood.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Pupil: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"

Teacher: "Of course not."

Pupil: "Good, because I haven't done my homework."

Joke sent from "Only Jokes" for Android:
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Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"

Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"

Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"

Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"

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Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?

Johnny: Nothing, sir.

Headmaster: Exactly.

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After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD… or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.

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Mother: “How was school today, Patrick?”

Patrick: “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”

Mother: “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”

Patrick: “What school?”

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Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"

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Teacher: "Where is your homework?"

Student: "I lost it fighting this boy who said you weren't the best teacher in school."

Teacher: ...

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"If animals have rights, what are their responsibilities?
If a lion has the right not to be hunted to death, does it also have a responsability not to eat me?
Frankly, I don't trust the lion to keep his half of the deal."

Adams Roberts

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how are u