When my dad got sick, lost his leg and his job,
He went from the man of the house to just an extra mouth to feed.
I watched the tallest member of our family learn to shrink.
His mouth was consistently dry,
Something that happens when you use up all your saliva to swallow your voice.

Here, my dad was a former lead singer who now couldn’t even beat his own drum.
I get clowned for fearing relationships,
I keep telling myself, before I am crowned someone’s, I need to prepare myself.
Because in a world where a man is measured by what they have,
I do not have the world,
I have a double decker of dreams but instead I enjoy sleeping on myself.
I use my hands to build walls,
I’d rather box myself than watch the world beat me,
I beat myself.

I used to say I want 4 kids or maybe 3,
but growing up has meant I cannot have a woman carry my child when I struggle to carry myself,
I’m still wounded by self,
There’s a healing I need from a past I cannot go back to,
So I find myself with new wounds from wounding others with my old wounds.

Sometimes the idea cemented in my head is that I’m built to be alone,
Except you can’t be alone.
It’s the law of existence.
Even light needed darkness,
And God needed Angels,
And land needed water to be relevant,
And there was a time my mother needed my father.

#poetictuesdays

#WorldPoetryDay